God's Grace in my life by Ann-Louise
At the age of 5, I repeated the words of the “Sinner’s Prayer.” My only motivation was the knowledge that it would please my pastor father, but really had no understanding beyond that. For years, I thought that repeating those few words was going to get me to heaven and didn’t really worry much about where I stood before God. By the time my teen years rolled around, I didn’t like being the preacher’s kid and it showed.
At a teen church rally when I was almost 17, I heard the gospel in a way that finally made more sense to me. My previous lack of understanding was not because of any lack in my father’s preaching, but was because I had closed my ears to him every Sunday. After that meeting, I couldn’t stop thinking that I was separated from God because of sin. A few days later at my job in the geriatric ward of a small hospital, I had my first experience with death as I stood at an elderly gentleman’s bedside. Right before he took his last breath, a terrible look of fear passed over his face. It was only there for a second, but I shall never forget it.
When my shift was over, I went home, locked myself in my bedroom and cried for a very long time. I knew in my heart that man had just gone into a Christless eternity and also knew in my heart that I was headed the same way. On my knees, next to my bed, I poured out my heart to God, repented of my sin and asked Him to save me, knowing that He would because Jesus had given His life and shed His blood for me. As a result of God’s grace, I found new respect for my parents and their ministry and began to help in the church wherever I could.
That fall, a missionary couple came to our church. They were headed to Papua New Guinea with a non-denominational missions organization. Their presentation of the utter spiritual darkness of the tribal peoples of New Guinea left a lasting impression. On my 18th birthday, I left home to go to Bible college to prepare to go to the mission field. After graduation, I went on to the missionary training school of the same organization. Half way through the training, I made a decision to leave the school, feeling I lacked the personal and spiritual maturity to continue at that point, knowing I would be on the mission field in just over a year. I had been attending a church nearby and decided to stay, get involved as much as possible, gain some ministry experience, and hopefully, maturity, then go back to complete missionary training.
I did get very involved in many ways at that church and learned many things about myself and about people. That year was a huge eye opener. That church had some big issues that I won’t get into here, but will just say that the pastor did some terrible things and as a result, many of the young people who attended the church and its school have walked away from the Lord and still refuse to go to any church because of it. Praise the Lord, that church has a different pastor today and I hear that it is thriving.
However, my response to those things was anger and bitterness. I left the church because I felt I could not sit under the teaching of a man who refused to follow God’s ways. That was a good decision and the right thing to do, but didn’t go to church anywhere then, which was not a good thing. Feeling alone and adrift, I went searching for connections in the wrong places, and ended up living like the prodigal, doing many things I never thought I would do.
Having been raised in a Christian home, I always thought I was pretty good. My parents may have a different perspective... they might tell you I was literally a preacher's brat :) That misconception may be part of the reason I was not saved until I was almost 17. The denomination in which I was raised left me with another misconception. My relationship with the Lord was all about "doing", rather than "being." I had a lot of ministry experience and had graduated from Bible college. To my mind, the things I had done held me in pretty good standing before God and thought I had all the answers. That thinking was nothing but stinking pride. Proverbs 16:18 tells us that "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". I did fall - and hard.
You see, the thing is, you can gain all kinds of head knowledge about the Word of God and can even do all kinds of things supposedly in His name, yet these things are not what produces fruit in a person’s life. All of the studying I had done about God and the scriptures really meant nothing, because I had not allowed it to penetrate into the depths of my heart, nor did I really understand what it meant to proceed into a deeper relationship with Him. Even though I knew what God has said, I chose to live a very sinful life. Instead of fulfilling His purpose for me, my focus was on fulfilling the desires of the flesh. During that time, I met and married an unbeliever, even though I was well aware of what the Bible says about being unequally yoked.
When expecting our first child in 1993, the Lord used many things in my life to begin to get my attention. As I began to realize the weight of all my sin and how much had I hurt my Savior in my sin, all I could do was weep. My husband thought I had lost my mind because for three days, all I could do was cry as I poured out my heart in repentance. For the first time in my life, I began to understand the depths of God’s love for me and what grace and mercy really are.
My husband was really convinced that I had “lost it” a short time later when I told him that I needed to go to church. Needless to say, he did not like the changes he saw in me, nor did he like the fact that I could no participate in some of the activities we had done together previously. As time went on, he became angrier and angrier, spent less and less time at home, and began to drink even more than he had before. His anger turned into violent outbursts more and more frequently. According to the world’s way of thinking, I was a ‘victim’ of abuse, but refuse to apply that term to myself. We ARE more than conquerors through Him who loves us! My husband and I had two more children together and were divorced in 2002. Things have not always been easy, but I can tell you that God has proven Himself faithful over and over again, meeting our needs and taking good care of us.
Over the last few years, the Lord brought me to new understanding of some things in His Word (and continues to)that I had missed before, which has opened up the scriptures to me in exciting new ways. He has also revealed just how great His faithfulness is, over and over again. In 2006, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive recurrence of thyroid cancer. The resulting surgeries and treatment left me unable to work for over a year and with some ongoing problems, but God has always met every need for me and my children. Our God is indeed an awesome God!
None of us can ever come to a point in this life where we can honestly say, “This is it. I’ve arrived. I’m at the pinnacle of spiritual maturity.” I still have a long way to go. I’m human. I fall. I make mistakes. Praise God for the promise of Philippians 1:6! He’s not done with me yet! I just pray that the Lord will continue to keep my heart in tune with His, continue to draw me nearer to His heart and enable me to serve Him in humility and joy.
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At the age of 5, I repeated the words of the “Sinner’s Prayer.” My only motivation was the knowledge that it would please my pastor father, but really had no understanding beyond that. For years, I thought that repeating those few words was going to get me to heaven and didn’t really worry much about where I stood before God. By the time my teen years rolled around, I didn’t like being the preacher’s kid and it showed.
At a teen church rally when I was almost 17, I heard the gospel in a way that finally made more sense to me. My previous lack of understanding was not because of any lack in my father’s preaching, but was because I had closed my ears to him every Sunday. After that meeting, I couldn’t stop thinking that I was separated from God because of sin. A few days later at my job in the geriatric ward of a small hospital, I had my first experience with death as I stood at an elderly gentleman’s bedside. Right before he took his last breath, a terrible look of fear passed over his face. It was only there for a second, but I shall never forget it.
When my shift was over, I went home, locked myself in my bedroom and cried for a very long time. I knew in my heart that man had just gone into a Christless eternity and also knew in my heart that I was headed the same way. On my knees, next to my bed, I poured out my heart to God, repented of my sin and asked Him to save me, knowing that He would because Jesus had given His life and shed His blood for me. As a result of God’s grace, I found new respect for my parents and their ministry and began to help in the church wherever I could.
That fall, a missionary couple came to our church. They were headed to Papua New Guinea with a non-denominational missions organization. Their presentation of the utter spiritual darkness of the tribal peoples of New Guinea left a lasting impression. On my 18th birthday, I left home to go to Bible college to prepare to go to the mission field. After graduation, I went on to the missionary training school of the same organization. Half way through the training, I made a decision to leave the school, feeling I lacked the personal and spiritual maturity to continue at that point, knowing I would be on the mission field in just over a year. I had been attending a church nearby and decided to stay, get involved as much as possible, gain some ministry experience, and hopefully, maturity, then go back to complete missionary training.
I did get very involved in many ways at that church and learned many things about myself and about people. That year was a huge eye opener. That church had some big issues that I won’t get into here, but will just say that the pastor did some terrible things and as a result, many of the young people who attended the church and its school have walked away from the Lord and still refuse to go to any church because of it. Praise the Lord, that church has a different pastor today and I hear that it is thriving.
However, my response to those things was anger and bitterness. I left the church because I felt I could not sit under the teaching of a man who refused to follow God’s ways. That was a good decision and the right thing to do, but didn’t go to church anywhere then, which was not a good thing. Feeling alone and adrift, I went searching for connections in the wrong places, and ended up living like the prodigal, doing many things I never thought I would do.
Having been raised in a Christian home, I always thought I was pretty good. My parents may have a different perspective... they might tell you I was literally a preacher's brat :) That misconception may be part of the reason I was not saved until I was almost 17. The denomination in which I was raised left me with another misconception. My relationship with the Lord was all about "doing", rather than "being." I had a lot of ministry experience and had graduated from Bible college. To my mind, the things I had done held me in pretty good standing before God and thought I had all the answers. That thinking was nothing but stinking pride. Proverbs 16:18 tells us that "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". I did fall - and hard.
You see, the thing is, you can gain all kinds of head knowledge about the Word of God and can even do all kinds of things supposedly in His name, yet these things are not what produces fruit in a person’s life. All of the studying I had done about God and the scriptures really meant nothing, because I had not allowed it to penetrate into the depths of my heart, nor did I really understand what it meant to proceed into a deeper relationship with Him. Even though I knew what God has said, I chose to live a very sinful life. Instead of fulfilling His purpose for me, my focus was on fulfilling the desires of the flesh. During that time, I met and married an unbeliever, even though I was well aware of what the Bible says about being unequally yoked.
When expecting our first child in 1993, the Lord used many things in my life to begin to get my attention. As I began to realize the weight of all my sin and how much had I hurt my Savior in my sin, all I could do was weep. My husband thought I had lost my mind because for three days, all I could do was cry as I poured out my heart in repentance. For the first time in my life, I began to understand the depths of God’s love for me and what grace and mercy really are.
My husband was really convinced that I had “lost it” a short time later when I told him that I needed to go to church. Needless to say, he did not like the changes he saw in me, nor did he like the fact that I could no participate in some of the activities we had done together previously. As time went on, he became angrier and angrier, spent less and less time at home, and began to drink even more than he had before. His anger turned into violent outbursts more and more frequently. According to the world’s way of thinking, I was a ‘victim’ of abuse, but refuse to apply that term to myself. We ARE more than conquerors through Him who loves us! My husband and I had two more children together and were divorced in 2002. Things have not always been easy, but I can tell you that God has proven Himself faithful over and over again, meeting our needs and taking good care of us.
Over the last few years, the Lord brought me to new understanding of some things in His Word (and continues to)that I had missed before, which has opened up the scriptures to me in exciting new ways. He has also revealed just how great His faithfulness is, over and over again. In 2006, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive recurrence of thyroid cancer. The resulting surgeries and treatment left me unable to work for over a year and with some ongoing problems, but God has always met every need for me and my children. Our God is indeed an awesome God!
None of us can ever come to a point in this life where we can honestly say, “This is it. I’ve arrived. I’m at the pinnacle of spiritual maturity.” I still have a long way to go. I’m human. I fall. I make mistakes. Praise God for the promise of Philippians 1:6! He’s not done with me yet! I just pray that the Lord will continue to keep my heart in tune with His, continue to draw me nearer to His heart and enable me to serve Him in humility and joy.
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